My Mom...part 2

Also, I know many of my friends are reading this, and many of you have commented about it to me and some have only mentioned it in passing as if it's a secret of mine. Let me just say, I don't want this to be a secret anymore. Feel free to ask me questions! I don't mind.

It is Dec 17th: For 3 days now Jess’s attacks are increasing in number and severity and he won’t sleep in his room alone…he now wants to sleep on the floor in our bedroom. On that evening his heart is pounding so loud you can hear it. He says his fingers are tingling and he can’t breath. I am sure it is an attack, but what if it isn’t??? Jesse doesn’t know if it is or not, so how can I? We are again at Salem Hospital ER. They say it is anxiety. Buspar has been added to his med list. But nothing helps him. Every day is bad. On the 21st he moves to 2 Buspar a day (10mg each) and it does nothing for him. He is at a standstill in life. He is not even going through the motions. On Jan 4th Seroquel gets added, .25 twice a day. After 2 days of sleeping for 20 hours, I pull the Seroquel from him on my own. On Jan 7th he sees a new Meds doctor…Lisa D’Silva, who works out of Salem Hospital. She prescribes:

Prozac 10 Oh God...reading this... I know whats coming from this damn medicine
Celexa stays at 30
Buspar 10
Rispidal .5

And he starts the new ones one the next day, on January 8th. 2 days later on January 10th, Jess is not doing well at all. He is highly agitated and is very angry. Almost acting like a “mad man”. I call Dr D’Silva and it takes 3 days for her to call back, and I leave 4 messages for her! I tell her I think it is the Prozac doing this to him. He is out of control. He is sensitive to meds and I read on line some side affects of Prozac. I tell her he should come off it. She ignores that and says he might need to be admitted to the hospital to control him since he can’t be “managed”. Then she decides that we should up the Prozac to 40! She says he needs it. Let's take a minute to think about this. I am showing abundant KNOWN symptoms linked to a certain drug. I have suffered for a countless number of months trying medicine after medicine with every known side effect possible and this psychologist knows it. To push this knowledge to the side and consider this an adjustment period is being reckless to a patients health...TO MY HEALTH. The events to come are what happens when a physician or health care provider only looks at symptoms as an overly simplified statistic they put on the back of bottles.

I don’t know what is right or wrong, I am not a doctor. But Jess is losing touch on reality. I have to try it. The next day Jess is worse. He is getting angrier each day. He tells me he can’t spell anymore. I ask him to spell cat. He spells it correctly. I tell him so. He gets mad and tells me he didn’t spell it right. I said ok, spell it again. He again spells it correctly. I tell him so, even repeat how he spelled it back to him. He is yelling at me…telling me he never spelled it that way. He tells me he is spelling it wrong and why can’t I understand that. He wants me out of his room. He is angry and he is scared. So, this is an event I remember incredibly clear, however I don't remember this happening in my room but rather on the phone, but it very well could have taken place in both places. Before this happened, I was on the phone (I can't recall why...possibly ordering food) and I gave my fathers named, Harvey. They didn't understand so they asked me to spell it. The first thing out of my mouth was "hey-ch", a strange merging of the sound an H makes and the name for the letter. To me, in a completely deteriorated mental state, this wasn't right. I was losing it and kept saying the letter on the phone, slowly diving into a state of panic, worry, and confusion. I hung up immediately and continued to repeat the letter which I could not get to sound right. I immediately called my mother telling her somethings was wrong...I couldn't spell...It didn't sound right. Needless to say, I was just a tiny bit freaked out!

I call Dr, D’Silva again. She says to wait out the Prozac. Thanks doc! I spend the next hour doing what I had been trying so hard not to...I cried. On Jan 19th I call her and tell her I want him off of the Prozac. He is a zombie, yet a highly agitated one. He is not Jesse anymore. She agrees to bring him down to 20 mg. On Jan 24th he has the worse day ever. He won’t shower, won’t shave. He can’t be alone, but doesn’t want me or Harv near him. His is gaining weight although not eating very much each day. (He will end up gaining over 48 pounds in 3 months time.) (I grew from 150 to 198...I wish I had pictures to show but, to be honest, I'm not sure I want them on the internet. It was baaaddd) His face does not look like Jesse anymore. He starts hallucinating about the rods in his leg and tells me they are poking out. About 11pm Jesse tells me the rods are coming out of his leg and we need to go to the ER. He won’t stop repeating it. He is yelling. He is truly scaring me. I call Dr D’Silva, she is not on call but a Dr. Printz is. He says to take him to the ER. This was by FAR the worst traumatic event caused by the medication. I truly was hallucinating that the two titanium rods in my femur (Which I'm sure I'll talk about at some future time) were protruding from my bone and about to rip out of my skin. In my head, I could see them popping out and the blood spilling down my bed. I could feel my skin stretching and ripping. I could even see myself screaming for help with no one coming. I wasn't just afraid this was going to happen, I was convinced it was going to happen IMMEDIATELY. If I didn't get to the hospital, I'd be a goner.

Harv and I start driving there but I am trying to convince Jess to wait until morning. I hate the ER at night (Let me just point out the irony of this statement, considering my desire to go into Emergency Medicine...But I digress) and think maybe he will lose the idea by morning. He agrees not to go, but first thing in the morning he is on the idea again. He looks very sick. We go to the ER and the doctors there agree he should come off the Prozac. On Jan 27th he is given by Dr. D’Silva, Klonapin .5, to be taken 3 times a day. He sleeps all day for 2 days. I take him off that myself. On Feb 5th he goes up on the Celexa and gets Serequel added again…25. He again sleeps 20 hours. I call Dr D’Silva and it gets cut in half. On Feb 11th he is still sleeping 20-22 hours a day, He can’t function at all. I call the doctor again and she says just to continue it. I decide I have to take control and I give him a fourth of the dose. It doesn’t seem to change his sleeping much. The next day I stop it completely and call and tell her so. She does not seem pleased. He begins staying awake at least now that he is off all the meds. On Feb 16th Jess is having severe stomach pains and has constipation, so we are again at Salem Hospital ER. While there, one of the nurses observing Jess’s behavior and listening to my frantic cry for help, suggests the day program the hospital has. Jess can come daily for x amount of weeks and be monitored. The best part it is run by the woman who prescribes Jess’s meds!! I am wondering why she, Dr, DiSilva, did not recommend this herself, but what a great idea!! He can be watched! They can see what meds he really needs and how he acts and maybe can get a direct insight into how to help him!!! I am excited!!! There is a waiting list, but they will call me after they contact Dr DiSilva. We meet with her for our regular session. She likes the idea of his being in this program. I feel like there is hope!

Sadly, my mother was naive in this case, and I was right behind her. This program turned out to be one of the most disgusting abuse of psychiatric authority and waste of government funding I have ever seen in my life. The events that occur never left me, and I am still angry to this day at the staff involved. From putting a psychologically fragile child into an environment with drug dealers and abusers to illegally holding me against my will... That one day was one of the worst days of my life.