Long Time Coming

So I've been putting this post off for far too long. The main reason, is my memory of this time period is less than hazy due to the plethora of medications that I was put on to "help" the anxiety and panic attacks. The entirety of what should have been my high school is foggy, and at many points my memory is completely gone, but I will document as much as I can with what little information I remember. I will ask my parents for details to fill in but expect many unanswered questions here that you can feel free to ask me either in the comments or by email OR in person if I know you. The following is from the beginning of freshman year up until the beginning of October.

I left off with a lame cliff hanger and I apologize for the long delay but here we are. I've had my first panic attack in over a year and I was scared. I ended up going home that day early from the nurse and thought about other factors that could have happened...Was it maybe just something I ate or some virus I had gotten causing a trigger for a panic attack? Doubtful. I went back to class the next day and the same thing happened. Things only got worse from there and the panic attacks became more severe and occurred every day shortly after arriving to class. There was no doubt the anxiety and attacks were back, and far more severe.

After about a week, we called my neurologist, Dr. Hart, and tell him everything is back and the medication no longer works. He advised I see a behavioral therapist to treat me in addition to the medication. The theory here was that my medication WAS still working and that the proper treatment in this case would be to treat what was left over with behavioral therapy. Now, I understand what behavioral therapists do is incredible and can help people in amazing ways. I completely support them for this reason and please don't let my following story set a negative opinion in your heads.

I met with the therapist a few times discussing my history, attacks, and treatment up until that point. It took around 3 weeks to inform him of everything up to this point and discuss a treatment plan. He decided, as he had agreed there was no apparent trigger other than subconsciously, to develop skills to become comfortable with the symptoms and sensations that occur during the panic and anxiety attacks. He thought that, since during my panic attacks I became extremely dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out, by making me experience these sensations I could trigger a panic attack. We started by putting me in a chair and spinning as fast as possible and then stopping. When this failed to cause an attack, he tried again multiple times to no avail. We next tried to caused a sensation similar to being about to block out; standing on ones head. This is where it gets ridiculous. He put me against a wall, had me do a handstand, and held my feet up against the wall without letting me get down. He kept me there until I told him it was starting to hurt my head and neck, but didn't allow me to get down. After complaining more about this failing to work and only causing me physical pain, my mother intervened and demanded he let me go.

That was my last visit to that doctor...and I can only hope he was removed from the practice.

It was the beginning of October and I had still not been able to stay in school for more than an hour without heading to the nurse. I would never give up the hope that I could go to class and learn, but it always ended up with me excusing myself and going to the nurses office. I don't believe I ever lasted more than 5 minutes in a class. I'd always just go to the nurse, sit in the back room with the blue couch style beds, and lay there hoping the symptoms would subside so I could go back to class and at least try. All I wanted was to sit in class for one whole session and learn. All I wanted was to stay in class and learn...