Struggles of SSRIs and Anxiety in current life

I haven't posted in a long time, due to 2 part time jobs taking up far more than 40 hours a week, studying for MCAT, and just my general life getting in the way of my writing. That being said, I plan on writing a LOT over winter break when work slows down and I have a chance to think about everything.

Last night I received a call from a clinical study I signed up for, in an effort to make a few hundred dollars to benefit my med school applications, involving small dose of pure nicotine to discover it's effects on ADHD. What should have been a 10 minute screening call, a process to determine if the participant is eligible for the study and fits the criteria for their research methods, turned into over an hour and a half on the phone discussing stigma and discrimination of mental health disorders. The research study manager divulged how stigmatizing ADHD can be when an individual is labeled with the disorder, and asked my how I dealt with my coworkers.

I'm lucky. I'm incredibly lucky. I work with some amazing people both at UNC Center for AIDS Research and UNC Student Wellness (Where I now work as a Sexual Wellness Specialist) who I have told about my history, my plans, and even about this blog. I have received nothing but support from them all and they have become like a family here, helping me reach my goal. I have never once felt I needed to withhold my past and that is something that I know not everyone has. This comes from a level of comfort with myself, and trust for the individuals I interact with, but it is ultimately because of the compassion and knowledge they have regarding illness.

With that, I'd like to discuss some of the problems that do come up in the workplace going through what I have. While I know I can confide in them with these problems, it does sometimes become embarrassing and I feel pressure and a lack of intelligence. Many of these problems are due to my past, but some come in part from taking a high dose of Lexapro, an SSRI. I thought it may be useful for others to read this, as I'm sure many can relate that have been in similar situations.

Cloudiness and occasional lapse in memory
This is the primary problem with me currently, and it's a very scary thought to think that my thoughts are sometimes jumbled and hidden behind a layer of smog. Unfortunately, this is a common side effect of SSRIs in normal dosage, and I am on about 50% more than typical. This has lead to, I feel, a decreased short term memory as well. I have discussed previously my loss of memories from some of the time when changing medications, and it's a very similar feeling. Memories are sometimes clouded and information retention seems to be strained. This pops up a lot when remembering names, and sometimes even words. I will notice myself struggle for words, which I try to play off as minor, but it is probably the most embarrassing part. Sometimes, I realize I use the wrong words despite knowing it is wrong, and feeling foolish in front of my colleagues who are all extremely intelligent and educated individuals. The problem is worse when in front of a meeting and I struggle for words, though it is thankfully not anxiety inducing.

Perception of intelligence
I believe I hold some intelligence, but unfortunately I don't know if I'll ever truly know. It has been a long time since I didn't have to worry about taking a medication that affects my mind, and it is very doubtful I'll ever live a day off of the medication due to the severity of attacks even when the medication is lower. The problems I listed about do add a level of uncertainty if I am even intelligent. I have passion and dedication to the information I do know, and that may offset my lack of intelligence, but sometimes I wish I could reach my true potential. It's a struggle to know I'm being held back.

I envy the individuals I work with that are truly some of the smartest individuals I know. The one thing I do crave is to feel that shroud of serotonin lift and be able to see what my mind can do. It scares me that it could affect medical school, but I have faith in myself that it will not stop me. I do, however, worry about my MCAT which will be the first standardized test I have taken in my life.

None of these things I've listed are going to stop me. The title of the blog and website remain the end goal. In fact, MD may even be DO. All I care about is becoming a physician and doing what I truly love and have spent so much time pining over. If you feel the same way I do about these issues, I'd say the same thing to you that I do to myself; who says we can't do it? Let's prove them wrong.

I'm going to become more active and finish my story here. Not only in hopes it encourages others, but as a reminder to myself. This is important to me and it should remain something I stay active with. Hopefully you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy telling it.