Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Struggles of SSRIs and Anxiety in current life
I haven't posted in a long time, due to 2 part time jobs taking up far more than 40 hours a week, studying for MCAT, and just my general life getting in the way of my writing. That being said, I plan on writing a LOT over winter break when work slows down and I have a chance to think about everything.
Last night I received a call from a clinical study I signed up for, in an effort to make a few hundred dollars to benefit my med school applications, involving small dose of pure nicotine to discover it's effects on ADHD. What should have been a 10 minute screening call, a process to determine if the participant is eligible for the study and fits the criteria for their research methods, turned into over an hour and a half on the phone discussing stigma and discrimination of mental health disorders. The research study manager divulged how stigmatizing ADHD can be when an individual is labeled with the disorder, and asked my how I dealt with my coworkers.
I'm lucky. I'm incredibly lucky. I work with some amazing people both at UNC Center for AIDS Research and UNC Student Wellness (Where I now work as a Sexual Wellness Specialist) who I have told about my history, my plans, and even about this blog. I have received nothing but support from them all and they have become like a family here, helping me reach my goal. I have never once felt I needed to withhold my past and that is something that I know not everyone has. This comes from a level of comfort with myself, and trust for the individuals I interact with, but it is ultimately because of the compassion and knowledge they have regarding illness.
With that, I'd like to discuss some of the problems that do come up in the workplace going through what I have. While I know I can confide in them with these problems, it does sometimes become embarrassing and I feel pressure and a lack of intelligence. Many of these problems are due to my past, but some come in part from taking a high dose of Lexapro, an SSRI. I thought it may be useful for others to read this, as I'm sure many can relate that have been in similar situations.
Cloudiness and occasional lapse in memory
This is the primary problem with me currently, and it's a very scary thought to think that my thoughts are sometimes jumbled and hidden behind a layer of smog. Unfortunately, this is a common side effect of SSRIs in normal dosage, and I am on about 50% more than typical. This has lead to, I feel, a decreased short term memory as well. I have discussed previously my loss of memories from some of the time when changing medications, and it's a very similar feeling. Memories are sometimes clouded and information retention seems to be strained. This pops up a lot when remembering names, and sometimes even words. I will notice myself struggle for words, which I try to play off as minor, but it is probably the most embarrassing part. Sometimes, I realize I use the wrong words despite knowing it is wrong, and feeling foolish in front of my colleagues who are all extremely intelligent and educated individuals. The problem is worse when in front of a meeting and I struggle for words, though it is thankfully not anxiety inducing.
Perception of intelligence
I believe I hold some intelligence, but unfortunately I don't know if I'll ever truly know. It has been a long time since I didn't have to worry about taking a medication that affects my mind, and it is very doubtful I'll ever live a day off of the medication due to the severity of attacks even when the medication is lower. The problems I listed about do add a level of uncertainty if I am even intelligent. I have passion and dedication to the information I do know, and that may offset my lack of intelligence, but sometimes I wish I could reach my true potential. It's a struggle to know I'm being held back.
I envy the individuals I work with that are truly some of the smartest individuals I know. The one thing I do crave is to feel that shroud of serotonin lift and be able to see what my mind can do. It scares me that it could affect medical school, but I have faith in myself that it will not stop me. I do, however, worry about my MCAT which will be the first standardized test I have taken in my life.
None of these things I've listed are going to stop me. The title of the blog and website remain the end goal. In fact, MD may even be DO. All I care about is becoming a physician and doing what I truly love and have spent so much time pining over. If you feel the same way I do about these issues, I'd say the same thing to you that I do to myself; who says we can't do it? Let's prove them wrong.
I'm going to become more active and finish my story here. Not only in hopes it encourages others, but as a reminder to myself. This is important to me and it should remain something I stay active with. Hopefully you'll enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy telling it.
Friday, September 7, 2012
My Mom...part 2
Also, I know many of my friends are reading this, and many of you have commented about it to me and some have only mentioned it in passing as if it's a secret of mine. Let me just say, I don't want this to be a secret anymore. Feel free to ask me questions! I don't mind.
It is Dec 17th: For 3 days now Jess’s attacks are increasing in number and severity and he won’t sleep in his room alone…he now wants to sleep on the floor in our bedroom. On that evening his heart is pounding so loud you can hear it. He says his fingers are tingling and he can’t breath. I am sure it is an attack, but what if it isn’t??? Jesse doesn’t know if it is or not, so how can I? We are again at Salem Hospital ER. They say it is anxiety. Buspar has been added to his med list. But nothing helps him. Every day is bad. On the 21st he moves to 2 Buspar a day (10mg each) and it does nothing for him. He is at a standstill in life. He is not even going through the motions. On Jan 4th Seroquel gets added, .25 twice a day. After 2 days of sleeping for 20 hours, I pull the Seroquel from him on my own. On Jan 7th he sees a new Meds doctor…Lisa D’Silva, who works out of Salem Hospital. She prescribes:
Prozac 10 Oh God...reading this... I know whats coming from this damn medicine
Celexa stays at 30
Buspar 10
Rispidal .5
I don’t know what is right or wrong, I am not a doctor. But Jess is losing touch on reality. I have to try it. The next day Jess is worse. He is getting angrier each day. He tells me he can’t spell anymore. I ask him to spell cat. He spells it correctly. I tell him so. He gets mad and tells me he didn’t spell it right. I said ok, spell it again. He again spells it correctly. I tell him so, even repeat how he spelled it back to him. He is yelling at me…telling me he never spelled it that way. He tells me he is spelling it wrong and why can’t I understand that. He wants me out of his room. He is angry and he is scared. So, this is an event I remember incredibly clear, however I don't remember this happening in my room but rather on the phone, but it very well could have taken place in both places. Before this happened, I was on the phone (I can't recall why...possibly ordering food) and I gave my fathers named, Harvey. They didn't understand so they asked me to spell it. The first thing out of my mouth was "hey-ch", a strange merging of the sound an H makes and the name for the letter. To me, in a completely deteriorated mental state, this wasn't right. I was losing it and kept saying the letter on the phone, slowly diving into a state of panic, worry, and confusion. I hung up immediately and continued to repeat the letter which I could not get to sound right. I immediately called my mother telling her somethings was wrong...I couldn't spell...It didn't sound right. Needless to say, I was just a tiny bit freaked out!
I call Dr, D’Silva again. She says to wait out the Prozac. Thanks doc! I spend the next hour doing what I had been trying so hard not to...I cried. On Jan 19th I call her and tell her I want him off of the Prozac. He is a zombie, yet a highly agitated one. He is not Jesse anymore. She agrees to bring him down to 20 mg. On Jan 24th he has the worse day ever. He won’t shower, won’t shave. He can’t be alone, but doesn’t want me or Harv near him. His is gaining weight although not eating very much each day. (He will end up gaining over 48 pounds in 3 months time.) (I grew from 150 to 198...I wish I had pictures to show but, to be honest, I'm not sure I want them on the internet. It was baaaddd) His face does not look like Jesse anymore. He starts hallucinating about the rods in his leg and tells me they are poking out. About 11pm Jesse tells me the rods are coming out of his leg and we need to go to the ER. He won’t stop repeating it. He is yelling. He is truly scaring me. I call Dr D’Silva, she is not on call but a Dr. Printz is. He says to take him to the ER. This was by FAR the worst traumatic event caused by the medication. I truly was hallucinating that the two titanium rods in my femur (Which I'm sure I'll talk about at some future time) were protruding from my bone and about to rip out of my skin. In my head, I could see them popping out and the blood spilling down my bed. I could feel my skin stretching and ripping. I could even see myself screaming for help with no one coming. I wasn't just afraid this was going to happen, I was convinced it was going to happen IMMEDIATELY. If I didn't get to the hospital, I'd be a goner.
Harv and I start driving there but I am trying to convince Jess to wait until morning. I hate the ER at night (Let me just point out the irony of this statement, considering my desire to go into Emergency Medicine...But I digress) and think maybe he will lose the idea by morning. He agrees not to go, but first thing in the morning he is on the idea again. He looks very sick. We go to the ER and the doctors there agree he should come off the Prozac. On Jan 27th he is given by Dr. D’Silva, Klonapin .5, to be taken 3 times a day. He sleeps all day for 2 days. I take him off that myself. On Feb 5th he goes up on the Celexa and gets Serequel added again…25. He again sleeps 20 hours. I call Dr D’Silva and it gets cut in half. On Feb 11th he is still sleeping 20-22 hours a day, He can’t function at all. I call the doctor again and she says just to continue it. I decide I have to take control and I give him a fourth of the dose. It doesn’t seem to change his sleeping much. The next day I stop it completely and call and tell her so. She does not seem pleased. He begins staying awake at least now that he is off all the meds. On Feb 16th Jess is having severe stomach pains and has constipation, so we are again at Salem Hospital ER. While there, one of the nurses observing Jess’s behavior and listening to my frantic cry for help, suggests the day program the hospital has. Jess can come daily for x amount of weeks and be monitored. The best part it is run by the woman who prescribes Jess’s meds!! I am wondering why she, Dr, DiSilva, did not recommend this herself, but what a great idea!! He can be watched! They can see what meds he really needs and how he acts and maybe can get a direct insight into how to help him!!! I am excited!!! There is a waiting list, but they will call me after they contact Dr DiSilva. We meet with her for our regular session. She likes the idea of his being in this program. I feel like there is hope!
Sadly, my mother was naive in this case, and I was right behind her. This program turned out to be one of the most disgusting abuse of psychiatric authority and waste of government funding I have ever seen in my life. The events that occur never left me, and I am still angry to this day at the staff involved. From putting a psychologically fragile child into an environment with drug dealers and abusers to illegally holding me against my will... That one day was one of the worst days of my life.Saturday, June 30, 2012
Guest Entry 1!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Overwhelmed
I created this blog with the single intent of telling my story to allow others to see what I have gone through, and hopefully act as encouragement for individuals going through similar circumstances. I honestly had no idea anyone would read it, let alone read the updates I post. I've had a huge response from family, friends, coworkers, and even individuals just searching the web in regards to my story so far...and I haven't even gotten into half of my story!!! It's amazing to have this vehicle to allow people to understand what I have been through, regardless of how hard it has been for me to write it, and I plan on continuing until the day I get my MD (Hopefully not when I'm 40).
This post is however not about my past, but my present. Through everything I've gone through, with my lack of a formal education, and even my struggle to become a functional member of society after being drugged up on SSRIs for 4 years, I still wasn't able to see the big picture of where I am now and where I have been. Things have changed in my life in a way I never thought possible. It's bizarre to think 5 years ago I was in bed, just hoping I could find the enthusiasm to continue with yet another medication that failed to improve my quality of life.
But now...now I'm in awe. Words aren't able to describe it. Right now, I'm sitting awake at almost 3 am not able to sleep with my head spinning just thinking about it. I'm doing things that I NEVER thought I'd do. Getting a GED was like climbing the top of a mountain and screaming "I did this. They said I couldn't but I did." Shortly after that getting an Associates in Science at a community college trumped any achievement I had prior... Yes, just an community college degree but I was beyond proud.
Then the ultimate goal...UNC. I can't put this into words either! I NEVER thought I'd make it this far after going through what I had gone through, and despite the many road bumps while here, every day was a gift. This amazing institution has opened doors I didn't know were there for me. After this summer session, I'm actually 4 classes from graduating with a Bachelors!!!! I still don't believe those words are coming out of my mouth but it's that close!
And now, the icing on the cake came this week. The privilege and honor to be working with the Center for AIDS Research working with community based projects to educate about HIV and AIDS. My passion to help individuals and love for medicine are combined into an amazing organization with some of the most helpful, supportive, intellectual, and just overall amazing people I have met in my life.
Even this Saturday I have the pleasure and honor to be speaking at an event organized by a community based organization, "The LaStraw, inc.", to help education their community on HIV myths and the resultant stigma. Never did I think I'd have these opportunities after everything... And I am so thankful for everyone that has helped me along the way. I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it weren't for you guys. So thank you all. For everything. And I promise to update this blog, but I just needed to get this out!!!!
Jesse
Monday, April 9, 2012
Long Time Coming
So I've been putting this post off for far too long. The main reason, is my memory of this time period is less than hazy due to the plethora of medications that I was put on to "help" the anxiety and panic attacks. The entirety of what should have been my high school is foggy, and at many points my memory is completely gone, but I will document as much as I can with what little information I remember. I will ask my parents for details to fill in but expect many unanswered questions here that you can feel free to ask me either in the comments or by email OR in person if I know you. The following is from the beginning of freshman year up until the beginning of October.
I left off with a lame cliff hanger and I apologize for the long delay but here we are. I've had my first panic attack in over a year and I was scared. I ended up going home that day early from the nurse and thought about other factors that could have happened...Was it maybe just something I ate or some virus I had gotten causing a trigger for a panic attack? Doubtful. I went back to class the next day and the same thing happened. Things only got worse from there and the panic attacks became more severe and occurred every day shortly after arriving to class. There was no doubt the anxiety and attacks were back, and far more severe.
After about a week, we called my neurologist, Dr. Hart, and tell him everything is back and the medication no longer works. He advised I see a behavioral therapist to treat me in addition to the medication. The theory here was that my medication WAS still working and that the proper treatment in this case would be to treat what was left over with behavioral therapy. Now, I understand what behavioral therapists do is incredible and can help people in amazing ways. I completely support them for this reason and please don't let my following story set a negative opinion in your heads.
I met with the therapist a few times discussing my history, attacks, and treatment up until that point. It took around 3 weeks to inform him of everything up to this point and discuss a treatment plan. He decided, as he had agreed there was no apparent trigger other than subconsciously, to develop skills to become comfortable with the symptoms and sensations that occur during the panic and anxiety attacks. He thought that, since during my panic attacks I became extremely dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out, by making me experience these sensations I could trigger a panic attack. We started by putting me in a chair and spinning as fast as possible and then stopping. When this failed to cause an attack, he tried again multiple times to no avail. We next tried to caused a sensation similar to being about to block out; standing on ones head. This is where it gets ridiculous. He put me against a wall, had me do a handstand, and held my feet up against the wall without letting me get down. He kept me there until I told him it was starting to hurt my head and neck, but didn't allow me to get down. After complaining more about this failing to work and only causing me physical pain, my mother intervened and demanded he let me go.
That was my last visit to that doctor...and I can only hope he was removed from the practice.
It was the beginning of October and I had still not been able to stay in school for more than an hour without heading to the nurse. I would never give up the hope that I could go to class and learn, but it always ended up with me excusing myself and going to the nurses office. I don't believe I ever lasted more than 5 minutes in a class. I'd always just go to the nurse, sit in the back room with the blue couch style beds, and lay there hoping the symptoms would subside so I could go back to class and at least try. All I wanted was to sit in class for one whole session and learn. All I wanted was to stay in class and learn...
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Have a Hart...or Celexa
Dr. Hart decided it would be a good idea to go on an SSRI, a drug that inhibits the re-uptake of serotonin in the brain which normally acts as a neurotransmitter. I could stress the details of how anxiety and panic disorder is caused by the uncontrolled nature of serotonin in the brain, but this isn't biochem and at this point in the story I won't reveal how nerdy I am for the wonders of medicine. But, I digress.
This marked my first "experimentation", as I'd like to call it, with SSRIs. I slowly went up on Celexa, starting at the extremely small dose of .5, and I already started to see changes after about a week. The attacks felt more controlled and far less severe. I was able to stay in class longer and started to feel better. November 18 was the first time I was able to stay in class all day, and I couldn't have been happier. Occasionally, symptoms would come back and I'd slowly go up on the medication, eventually maxing at 30 mg in February at which time I was completely free of panic attacks! It was an amazing feeling to be cured of something that was so debilitating!
Weeks went by and then months...Nothing! I couldn't believe all of this could have been controlled by just a little pill every day, but it had. Things continued like this for the remainder of 7th grade, and throughout all of 8th grade. I successfully had graduated from middle school and looked back on the experiences in 7th grade as a distant memory. What did I need to be concerned with anymore? I was on a drug that completely cured me and I didn't need to worry about my academic career anymore.
At the end of 8th grade, my parents decided it was time to move out of Peabody and move to a new house. After looking around, my father picked out a great house in Rowley, just about 20 minutes north of where I lived. This meant I was leaving my old friends to attend a new high school in a town I hardly knew, but I was nothing but excited. I have always been thrilled to meet new people and interact with everyone I met. I'd miss my friends, but this was going to be a great experience at a great new school!
Jump to the first day of class, and I was enthusiastic about my classes and all the new people I was meeting. The school was small, but much nicer than the high school in Peabody. Everything was going great and I was loving it here. On the 3rd day of school however, I noticed I was getting extremely dizzy while sitting in one of my classes so excused myself and went to the nurse. Maybe I was sick? Maybe I had just ate something the night before that disagreed with me? I don't know. The next day...same thing but much more severe. Something was wrong...this wasn't supposed to be happening. I was happy to be here, loving the classes, and enjoying the people. What was going on?
Shit...It never went away...
Monday, December 19, 2011
3 pages, 5 years
Just got to my parent's house in Virginia and glad to be settled in! As I progress in my story, due to the ridiculous amount of medications I was on, a lot of the events mesh together and my brain is unable to organize them into a time line (This is probably because some of the medications brought on short term memory loss and the essential comatose state I was in). I have been struggling with what occurred from 7th grade on, so I brought this up to my mother. Being the amazing woman she is, she reminded me she recorded EVERYTHING that happened, including medicine dosages, large attacks, and important meetings. She came into my room and handed me three pages which provides dates of everything from the beginning in 5th grade, to the end of freshman year (When things got severe...we'll get there soon!)
Anyways, with her help, I can get cracking on the continuation of the story. Expect a new update in the coming day or two!!!!